Time passes. Days, weeks, months. Empires rise and fall, and you still remember him.
I get it- we all have a past. We lived and dated a little.
We still vividly remember stormy arguments, sleepless nights, and punches to our bruised hearts. We also recall the good times.
It's difficult to erase the past, and you shouldn't be trying to.
On the other hand, if an inner-peace is what you're after, then perhaps you'll pick up a few ideas that will be useful to you.
You should stop talking about your Ex.
Here is why:
1. There's a reason why things didn't work out.
Every relationship has it's learning curve. We date people that are emotionally unavailable. We pick partners that have different goals. We meet at a wrong time. We can't work out our differences. We are insecure. They are jealous. We f*** up.
Actually, it doesn't matter who does. It doesn't even matter who call it quits. The point is, it didn't work out. There's no need to obsess over something that is no longer present. I know it sounds easy to say, but practically speaking - there's a lid for every pot. Look at it in a way as - Your Ex just wasn't the right lid.
2. Opening ex- file; a true recipe for disaster.
See, women tend to speak more about what concerns them, upsets them or matters to them. If you still think and talk about your Ex, that means that there's part of you not willing to let him go. We all need some time to lick our wounds- and you are allowed to take all the time you need.
It's tempting to talk about past when a bottle of wine is involved, and you have someone's pair of ears to listen. You rush to get it off your chest. You believe that you will feel less hurt...eventually.
You'll finally move on. So you go ahead and drop the bomb on everyone who's there to listen. You speak your heart out- how wrong, sinful or selfish your Ex was. Oh, that feels good. Liberating and empowering.
The thing is, you're not in therapy. Excessively talking about your past relationship will not do any good to you, especially if the listener is your date. Even if he will nod his head as he listens, he also makes mental notes on how much your Ex still matter to you. How you love playing a victim. He will also conclude that you're not ready to invest yourself in a brand new relationship as you're too attached to the old one.
3. Men are sensitive when it comes to your Exes.
If a guy is interested- you will not gain extra points by telling him in detail how good or bad your past relationships were. Even if the guy does ask you: " What's the longest relationship you had?"
He is not expecting to get the whole fifteen-minute background story by the time you finish eating your linguine with clams. He didn't ask that question to find out where and when you two met. Or what went wrong, and why you will never in a million years date the guy who treats you this way.
The less you share, the better off you'll be. No man wants to be compared, analyzed or feel as he needs to compete with your Ex. He also doesn't want to see you overly excited about the times you shared with another man before him.
Like it or not, deep inside all men are territorial, so save the breath and keep all the spicy details to yourself. If you absolutely need to share- tell your girlfriends!
4. You can't move on.
Have you ever catch yourself stalking his social media feed blanked-eyed zombie style?
Are you wondering- how is he doing without you? If so, you're just unnecessarily shaking up the past. Maybe he managed to move on faster than you. Possibly he's already dating someone else. So what? Let the guy be.
Obsessing over a gone relationship is not only unhealthy is also toxic. The sooner you stop this, the quicker you'll feel Zen and happy with what you have. Your memories of former relationship will start fading at the faster pace, and you will finally vibrate on a higher level. That is not only sexy but also very arousing to other men.
You don't have to hate all male souls out there. You have to be mature enough to realize that not all men are the same. Not everyone out there is to get you, to play with you, to possess you and then eat your heart with a fine wine.
5. Give yourself a closure.
There's always this moment when we think- how would my life play out differently?
If I stayed?
If I wasn't left high and dry?
If we didn't go separate ways? If we could work this out?
Some people will never give you closure. You must give it to yourself. The past will always be here to mess with the present. Memories, phone calls, random text messages, Insta likes - these things will still show up. No matter how hard you are trying to forget. All you can do is- to make peace with it. Then you drop it like a hot coal and let it go.
I've traveled far from where I've been.
I no longer want to run around wearing makeup that doesn't survive my tears. I no longer want to leave angry in the middle of the foggy night. I no longer want to fight until one of us wins.
I am happy where I've arrived.
I synced and clicked with someone else. There's no need to lock our horns. No need to leave. No need to prove anything. Just be raw me and be loved anyway. Little by little I learned to reopen up my heart again.
On a final note, I wish you too never lose faith that there is that one person who accepts you as you are. Love you where you are. And just maybe, this time around, this will play out differently because you now know better. And you now in full are ready for love.
xoxo
Kristina